Fear The Tampa Bay Lightning

The Bolts are dangerous, and much like the shirtless man swinging a katana while blindfolded in your mall parking lot, you would be wise to keep your distance. Even after last night’s loss to Montréal this team still has a chance to tie the NHL regular season win record of 62 (95’-96’ Red Wings) and…

Fictional Baseball Boxscores: Dragon Ball

Baseball: the sport that nerds won, is back! Welcome to 162 games of beer sucking boredom accompanied by Aaron Judge smashing ding dang dongers off your terrible relief pitchers and the Red Sox in year two of their six year dynasty. God, this sucks. There has got to be something better than bachelor parties in…

Tips For Playing In A League Where You Know You’ll Never Win It All

We are finally past the All-Star break and the trade deadline is disappearing in the rearview mirror. Finally, real NBA basketball can begin. Every storyline up until now – the Anthony Davis botched trade saga, Luka Dončić’s unbelievable rookie season, or James Harden continuing to drain 30+ every damn time he hits the court like…

Carlton The Bear Is a God Damned Nothing

Let’s talk about the laziest series of choices a sports franchise has ever made. A series of market research decisions so brain-numbingly banal that when put together in its final form can barely hold its shape in this reality. Carlton the Bear is such a breathy groan of a mascot that he is in constant…