In 2010, Paul the Octopus was able to successfully predict the outcomes of all the matches that the German team played in the 2010 FIFA World Cup, as well as the final. Paul passed away later that year, leaving the world wondering: will we will ever have accurate sports predictions from an unlikely and frankly absurdly unqualified source again?
On March 11th of 2020, while watching the Oilers play the Jets at a bar in Parkdale, the news that the NBA was shutting down broke. Then came word Tom Hanks was sick. By the third period, the world had shifted so quickly that it was clear that I should get super drunk with my buddy Grewgie, because I wouldn’t be out again for awhile. I spent the next three days panicking as I watched the only version of the life I knew slip away. What truly mattered to me in life came into sharp focus as all the distractions that had previously obscured that all fell away.
On the fourth day, I was sent a dick pic.
Underneath, the following message:
I will not be posting the dick to keep this all legal, but if I had to describe it, I would say it looked like sweaty, beaten-up John McClane when he was painfully squeezing his way through that vent.
This is a sports blog (allegedly), so I’m not going to unpack the psyche of a man who showed me his dick, insulted me, and then pleaded with me not to show anyone else his dick. I did however, eventually reply to that message in order to acquire some NHL playoff predictions. I know what you’re thinking: a human being has a greater chance of predicting sporting outcomes than an octopus. Normally, yes, but this is no ordinary person.
This is a person who has put so little thought into what they do, that they carried out multiple actions – taking their dick out, taking the picture, finding a woman, sending the picture – without ever considering the fact that nothing good can possibly come from those choices. This person has demonstrated that they either cannot or possibly do not care to put any rational thought into their own life. There’s no way they’d put more thought into hockey. In our dick pic sender, we have a person who won’t be biased by analytics, history or thought of any kind, because he has already demonstrated an inability to do so. His predictions will come out of a perfectly uninformed guess. They will come from the chaos of lack of thought. They will be the randomness of our unknowable universe. Who better for the sports Gods to speak through?
I reached out to that fucking guy. Repeatedly. For a year and a half.
So I started responding to all unsolicited dick picks asking everything from who would win the World Series to how the Buffalo Sabres to climb out of the crater they’re currently in. I have replied to North of 30 dick pics over the last year attempting to get a sports betting prediction and I have not gotten a one. I have gotten blocked. A lot. One time I got a “fuck you”. Not once have I received any predictions about any sporting event, let alone one that panned out. As was any other person whose ever seen any of those men’s phalluses, I was incredibly disappointed.
What conclusions can be drawn from this? That in life there are rarely satisfying endings? That a man who would send his dick to strangers has even less mental facilities than a sea mollusc? That dudes really hate it when they show you their dick and your response is to ask them how they would’ve handled the trade deadline differently if they were Mark Shapiro?
Sports predictions can be emailed to firstname.lastname@example.org.