Quidditch Abstract Part II: Kill the Seeker

As a part of my true descent in madness, I’m gonna go a little deeper into quidditch.

We’ve already covered how nobody has ever been good at quidditch in the entire history of the sport. In the Harry Potter canon the bar for people being impressed with any player’s individual skill level was literally set as “can ride a broom/catch things”. It’s no surprise therefore that the strategies currently used in the sport are that which someone who only just barely has a grasp on the fundamentals would come up with.

Take for example  “Wronski Feint” – a move repeatedly praised in the books as being some top shelf shit. The Wronski Feint is when a seeker pretends to spot the Golden Snitch near the ground and dives down to catch it, prompting the other seeker to follow. At the last second before reaching the ground, the feinting seeker pulls up out of the dive, usually causing the opposing seeker to crash.

You might be asking: “How the fuck has that ever worked even one time?

Great question with no real answer other than reiterating that nobody who plays this sport is good at it. The opposing seeker wouldn’t see a snitch to chase after and therefore the only thing they’re going off is the other seeker. Meaning they’d see the other seeker pull up, and would presumably continue to copy them. Except somehow, they don’t. In any case, they presumably know what the ground is and that hitting it would be bad and would therefore try to not do that for any reason ever. The Wronski Feint working in a Timbit league seems like a stretch. Remember however that everyone who has ever played is truly terrible at quidditch (this cannot be stressed enough), so the strategy works at the professional level. Quidditch also relies heavily on a strategy that is basically just the Flying V – a strategy that only worked in the Mighty Ducks film because all of the Hawks collectively forgot how defense works. The entire production requires all three chasers, and nets 10 points. Compare that to the 150 the snitch gets you and it seems like a lot of effort and manpower to execute an easily foiled play that at best gets you 1/15th of the points the seeker is working on. But sure chasers: go off.

TL;DR: All of the existing strategies employed in quidditch rely on the other team not knowing how to play quidditch/general sports.

So what strategy could you employ to maximize wins? It’s simple and you’ve probably already figured it out from this piece’s title – you kill the other team’s seeker. That’s not hyperbole. You should kill – or the very least incapacitate – the other team’s seeker. Because that’s a legal move. Let’s walk through this:

Catching the snitch is worth 150 points. Compare that to the 10 points the quaffle nets each time you successfully get it through goal hoops and it’s easy to see why catching the snitch nearly always results in a win for your team. The game also ends when you catch the snitch. The only other way the game can end is for both teams to agree to end the game. So assuming that neither team is composed of cowards/quitters, that means each team has one player that can secure a victory. Everybody else is essentially doing busy work while the Seeker tries to win/end the game. Having all your chasers trying to score is a less effective strategy than say having one of your chasers on defensively helping out the keeper while the other two cover ground looking for the snitch to help the seeker. Because the snitch is worth 150 points.  So long as your keeper can keep 15 goals out, leave them be and help your seeker.

Your beaters are too busy to help. They have two very important jobs:

  1. Kill the other team’s seeker.
  2. Stop the other team from killing your seeker.

It’s a legal move to hit a heavy ball at somebody’s head with bat, which is what beaters do. And that is so very useful since according to official rules set by the British Ministry of Magic, ”No substitution of players is allowed throughout the game, even if a player is too injured or tired to continue to play.” Meaning if you incapacitate the other team’s seeker using the perfectly legal rules of cracking their skull open with a ball, the other team cannot end the game. Only your team can. Exploit the shit out of that. If I’m playing for Hufflepuff, this honey badger is getting out on the pitch and I’m immediately doing everything in my power to end The Boy Who Lived.

To summarize: Were I a witch, I would’ve killed Harry Potter and thus accidentally given Voldemort the W on my path to being the quidditch G.O.A.T.

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